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Thursday, 07.02.2009
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07.02.2009 09:10 - Lodged in Translation
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Poll #1424227 Dream Soup
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: AllWhich line generally begins the better dream sequence?
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(comment)
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| Friday, 06.26.2009
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06.26.2009 11:17 - Jichael Mackson's Neverland Oil Ranch
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 "Michael Jackson's death has been the best news that the regime has had, since it has so overshadowed coverage of the brutality in the Western media."
--Persian caller to the BBC Is she right? Does it matter?
I think that we all have our own interests and obsessions, cultural and otherwise, perspective be damned, and there's no point in being made to feel guilty if we get carried away now and then. The effect of this, however, on a media ruled entirely by commercial interests can be to create a feedback loop where all reminders of a more salient sense of perspective get lost.
Of course, there's always something like this going on; do we as a culture care as much about innocent Tamil lives lost as innocent Persians? How much attention span do we tend to keep reserved for the suffering and dying Iraqis, Aghans, Pakistanis, Palestinians, Sudanese, or Congolese, to name only a few? If only the slimmest of a slim minority of us will take any action regardless, at what threshold of airtime does it begin to matter anyway?
It's worth mentioning that the caller to the BBC went on to briefly detail that the King of Pop was known and will, if more abstractly, be missed by many in Iran as well. I only hope they quickly reach a place where such obsessions can eat up as much attention as they desire without getting drowned out by the terror in the streets.
Image: Marjane chooses an Iron Maiden bootleg over "Jichael Mackson" in Persepolis.
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(3 comments | comment)
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| Sunday, 05.31.2009
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05.31.2009 14:39 - TERRORISM: UR DOIN IT RONG
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Hey, Operation Rescue, did al-Qaeda offer its condolences to the victims and condemnation to the perpetrators of the attacks against the Great Satan on the occasion of September 11th, 2001? Did the KKK wander around ol' Alabama opining hatred of the mongrel races but, whoa, wait, hey, those lynchings last night were a horrible, terrible shame, even when they still had the robes on? What I'm getting at here, in case it hasn't penetrated the two kernels of half digested corn that pass for neurons in you walking turds, is that terrorism is simply more effective when you not only take ownership of but exalt in the part you play in it. Don't be such self-righteous, whinging, childish, petulant pussies that you successfully put the other guy's life on the line then pretend innocence. Fucking wimps. This is your moment of pride; spend it firing an AK-47 into the air, not hiding behind a cross. That way we can at least see you for what you are without having to squint.
And to anyone who might suggest that this wasn't terrorism, I might suggest that you have some very fucking basic reading to do.
Thanks to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) akiko for the screenshot.
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(4 comments | comment)
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| Tuesday, 05.05.2009
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05.05.2009 09:19 - The Existentialism Babies [Pilot Treatment]
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It became something of an inevitability that young Jean-Paul would expand on the material presented at story time. On one Wednesday morning, for example, after listening carefully straight through to "fin," he raised his hand and, when called upon, he elaborated: "I don't know why we say now that the story is ended. It might take several more months -- even years -- before Bunny Foo-Foo is to die. Why, within a matter of decades, I expect every character in the tale would be dead."
"Why yes, Jean-Paul," said the teacher, "it's true that everyone dies. But we don't have to talk about that truth every time we talk about life, now do we?"
"Teacher, why are some of the other children weeping? Did they not know--? Would they have preferred to look forward," he said ironically, "to an eternity of, of this?" He waved his hand at the crowd of sniveling faces around him with a sneer.
"Somebody's awfully cranky today! Why don't you go have your snack?"
"Yes, I choose to do just that. Thank you for presenting me with the idea."
The next day, they heard the tale of Goldilocks. At the end, surprised that the bears would forego such a tasty morsel, Jean-Paul of course raised his hand.
"How would you care to enlighten us this morning, Jean-Paul?"
"I merely wish to declaim," he said, "the crushing sense of confusion the bears would continue to feel over having wasted good food without reason. Even within the constructs of any moral artifice they may have seen fit to have guide them, Goldilocks was not only an invader but a tasty one. I tell you that I have never been conflicted to find pain au chocolat sleeping in my bed!"
Simone giggled, and smiled at him. Later, he resolved, he would pull her pigtail for this infraction and possibly attempt to kiss her.
"Moreover," he said quickly before the other children could comment on their inevitable marriage and reproduction, "I feel it is very clear that Goldilocks was not in any way fulfilled by this experience, although she was literally nourished. No, the poor child, it may be many years before she has the good fortune to find a true sense of freedom, and where? On her deathbed!"
"Teacher," said little Albert, "I admire Jean-Paul's inimitable grasp of the fundamental problems of the human condition, but does he have to be so mean about it? He's making me very, very, very, sad."
"Oh, Jean-Paul," said Teacher, "go drink your juice!"
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| Thursday, 04.16.2009
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04.16.2009 10:23 - Here's to Another Day in the Bullshit Factory
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I arrived at work this morning to find a copy of this book sitting on my desk, an apparent gift from my manager:
Without even cracking the fucker, I can safely say this is far more terrifying, hideous, hilarious, and sanity-shredding than the copy of At the Mountains of Madness I was reading on the train. Next time, I'd prefer an equivalent amount of cheese, thanks. Whatever the hell it is you're trying to say, if the alternative is managese, I say say it with cheese.
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| Tuesday, 04.14.2009
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04.14.2009 11:04 - Thoughts on "Amazonfail"
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[Reposted from a comment elsewhere]
IMHO, the explanation presented here does make more sense. Assuming it is true (which I'm not), Amazon's handling of it was still not good, but they might not have been alerted at any reasonable level until a torch-and-pitchfork wielding mob showed up over the weekend.
Why I'm not inclined to dismiss everything Amazon has to say about this out of hand: they only stand to lose money by making vast swathes of their catalog harder to buy, and they only would have stood to curry favor in conservative circles if they had made noise about doing so. Since they still carry sex toys, I doubt that was their goal. Corporations don't do things that don't make them money intentionally, unless they somehow believe it will make them money.
Regardless, their responses have been less than pleasing, and who knows how long this would have gone on if not for said mob justice.
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04.14.2009 10:15 - The Endless Adolescence of Suburbia
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As I stood outside the Castro Valley BART station yesterday, a man walked past and let me know just what was on his mind: "You look like an elf, bro! Ahahahaha!" This wasn't the first time I'd been called an elf, but it's the only time I can think of when it wasn't in the context of a compliment or being informed that I need food, badly. It's probably for the best that he walked on before I could think to respond: "Thanks, haha! You talk like a dipshit!"
Maybe tonight we'll pass each other on one of the few sidewalks of San Ramon. I won't recognize the man, but he'll pick me last for dodgeball.
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| Wednesday, 03.18.2009
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03.18.2009 20:27 - HUMAN WANTED AS TEST SUBJECT FOR HABITATION-RELATED EXPERIMENTS
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The benevolent creatures currently dwelling at research facility JAZZ
HANDS in research location HAYWARD, CA are currently in need of ONE
(1) subject of negotiable species[1] and height for:
* Spacious one-story detached Victorian within walking distance of
BART and downtown amenities, close to 92, 580, 238, and 880.
* Front and back yards with storage shed, garden, and redwood trees.
* Common areas include spacious living and dining rooms, small
office/storage room, large kitchen, TWO(2) bathrooms, laundry room.
* Subject's very own chamber of repose.
* We have Rock Band.
Tests will be administered by the following benevolent creatures:
* Robynne, a human female who works from home making beautiful
high-end, custom garments, kicks ass at ballroom dancing, knows a lot
about cephalopods and fish, and likes games.
* Starchy, a human male who works in the software industry, writes[2],
climbs rocks, watches extremely depressing movies, and likes games.
* Yakko, a feline male who is a friendly, playful, one-year old
domestic short hair.
* Dot, a feline female who is a friendly, playful, one-year old
domestic short hair.
* They fight crime.[3]
The purpose of this study is to record the effects of the subject's
long-term exposure to Science![4] Applicants should expect a full
molecular scan and to pay $600/mo plus utilities. Test administrators
will not be held accountable for any blurred vision, dry mouth,
dizziness, weight gain or loss, height gain or loss, mutant healing
power gain or loss, or fondness of kittens.
Contact starchy at gmail dot com for your molecular scan today!
1: Offer does not apply to cats, dogs, prosimians, ferrets, large
livestock, or geese. Fucking geese.
2: He could even be writing RIGHT NOW.
3: The two humans are a stable couple who share the larger of the
house's bedrooms. "Stable" as in never fights. Seriously. Not
even passive-aggressively. Weird, huh?
4: Any resemblance to actual science should not be construed as
intentional or meaningful.
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| Wednesday, 03.04.2009
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03.04.2009 21:08 - Solving the Middle East: Part One of an Infinite Series
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There's a lot of talk from Secretary of State Clinton these days about Israel and Palestine, about a two-state solution. I've got a one-state proposal for you, Hillary, but it might not be the state you're thinking of: Florida.
Now, if I may over-simplify the modern history of Israel (and I'm on the Internet, so of course I may), we Americans pretty much handed the country to them, never mind who was already living there. This tactic worked well enough for us Americans that we were able to create the United States out of it, so why not these poor, oppressed, and traumatized people who obviously needed somewhere to go? Back in the 1940s that somewhere sure as shit wasn't going to be here, but we're post-racial now, right?
Meanwhile, the Palestinians were displaced and blah blah oppressed and homeless blah blah blah refugee camps blah, which turned out to somehow not actually be good for all involved. Go figure. So they can't just take it all back while the Israelis are there, and the Israelis are too busy trying to showcase their chutzpah to give an inch, and nobody seems to be getting along well enough to share a frantsevate thing. It's about time we give them back their land -- what could it hurt? -- and in order to do this we need to give the Jews somewhere new to go.
Where? Florida. Hell, the Jews wouldn't even need the whole thing. There are less than six million of them in Israel, and over 18 million Floridians. If Florida, as Homer Simpson so sagely said, is America's wang, why not let them snip the tip?
Sure, maybe it isn't their ancestral homeland, but it is their chosen homeland when they grow old enough to become ancestors. I know, I know, the Jews would be pretty sore about losing the Temple Mount and the Western Wall again, but the lady Florida provides with its greatest natural resource: theme parks. Why, just think of the seemingly authentic, unrazed, and moneylender laden synagogue a newly laid-off imagineer could whip up in no time, even with Saturdays off!
But what would the U.S. stand to gain from this deal, you wonder? Don't think of it so much as losing a state as removing a brain tumor from the electoral college. And all those Cuban raft-borne political landmines would be their landmines, not ours.
I know, I know, they'd only be displacing other Floridians, and that's hardly fair. Maybe so, but if you think about it, the Jews would only be saving them the trouble of evacuating a few short decades later when the whole wangstate sinks beneath the sea.
On behalf of my people, whatever that means, I hope you'll think it over.
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| Tuesday, 02.17.2009
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02.17.2009 10:10 - Open Letter to Fantasy Flight Games [antisemitism]
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To Whom it May Concern,
Yesterday, when visiting a friend, I was excited to sit down to a game of Citadels, about which I'd only heard good things. It is not by any means an exaggeration, however, to say that I was shocked when I saw the Merchant card, which drags up all the worst traditions of European Antisemitism in its character portrait, in a way that does nothing to advance the flavor of the game. "Antisemitic?" you may say, "surely not! The artist simply wanted to depict the Merchant as greedy, not as a 'money-grubbing Jew!'" Well, let's review the art, then:
- Big nose? Check.
- Swarthy complexion? Check.
- Skull cap? Check.
- "Nomadic"-style woven garb? Check.
- Clutching gold coins to chest with sinister glee? Check.
An argument might be made to let any one of these aspects pass, but in a game where all the other art very clearly depicts white Europeans with none of these characteristics or props, it is evident that what we're looking at is just another Shylock, a sinister caricature that has been used throughout European history to incite the stereotyping, persecution, and even murder of my ancestors. How does this advance the context of a city-building strategy game?
It saddens me to say that as long as this card is printed and/or sold by Fantasy Flight Games, I have no choice but to refrain from purchasing Citadels or any of your products, and to encourage everyone I know to do the same. I hope that you will see fit to replace the art on this card with something that isn't explicitly racist so as to avoid tainting an otherwise worthwhile game -- and by extension, your entire catalog -- with bigotry.
Sincerely,
David "Starchy" Grant
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| Friday, 02.13.2009
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02.13.2009 11:29 - Love is a Battlefield
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Some of you already know my friend Nifer of NifNaks fame. Now all of you know just how talented she is. That is all.
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(2 comments | comment)
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| Thursday, 02.12.2009
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02.12.2009 11:02 - Happy Darwin Day
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The Devolutionary Band -- official soundtrack of Darwin Day ever since I said so. Happy Darwin Day, everyspecies!
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(1 comment | comment)
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| Tuesday, 02.03.2009
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02.03.2009 11:05 - Commute
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As each new subway train screams past me into the station, a part of me is concerned with jumping, not with how I could or might do it but with the simple violent fact of the possibility and its grisly mechanics, and in spite of myself I am exhilarated and terrified. Each train I board uneventfully is another victory for sanity, stability, survival. How many of us are so rapt and so frightened each day?
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| Friday, 01.23.2009
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01.23.2009 10:22 - The Making of Obama St
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For Immediate Release
The San Francisco-based organization Concerned Republicans Assaulting Posterity (C.R.A.P.) is claiming full and complete responsibility for the street sign changing of Bush Street to Obama Street the morning of Tuesday, January 20. A small but mighty group of about 40 fairly intelligent individuals joined together Monday evening and distributed the signs amongst C.R.A.P. members and loyalists in an unusual moment of solidarity with Barack Obama supporters.
The group began changing the signs shortly after midnight. "Even though at first we thought Bush Street was named for our beloved Bush family, we realized that wasn't true after we did some reading," said one shirtless and bearded group member, who called himself Molotov II. "We wanted to show people that even we and our world renown organization, vehement supporters of the Republican party -- we believe 92 percent of all Democrats are dirty -- we are all still Americans, just like Mexico said on 9/11.
"We can support Obama for a day." C.R.A.P. organizer Thurston Griswald III, speaking from an undisclosed bunker in the heart of San Francisco's Financial District, said the signs were created by hand using recycled clay, exotic oils from the Far East, paper mache and ABC gum for stickiness. No animals were harmed while making and posting the street signs, Griswald II maintains, and boasted that more than a quarter of C.R.A.P. members were former Bush Administration officials. "These guys just want to put the past behind them, plus they need jobs -- who's going to hire a 55-year-old man who's done nothing but make warning stickers placed on bombs and land mines for the last eight years? -- so we felt we had to do something to show the new President how much we support him," Griswald III said. "It was either change the street signs or get T-shirts made. Obviously, we made the right decision."
We'd also like to state there was a second group with similar ambition using permanent vinyl stickers. They managed to affix a few of these signs, in contrast to our use of non-permanent adhesive. Our group does not endorse or condone vandalism. Fortunately, we beat them by an hour.
Video editing provided by Jeremy Fortes http://blissisignorance.com/
[Video and preceding text by people other than me. And as I cannot be clearly seen within the video, I clearly had nothing to do with it other than posting this, QED.]
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(1 comment | comment)
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| Tuesday, 01.20.2009
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01.20.2009 02:23 - Patriotism San Francisco Style
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I just spent a delightful evening with friends, strolling down San Francisco's Obama St. Oddly enough, Google seems to think it's still called Bush St, but sometimes it does take them a few days to catch up. Now this is what I call a sign of change!
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| Thursday, 01.15.2009
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01.15.2009 17:40 - It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's the Hudson River
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| Thursday, 01.08.2009
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01.08.2009 21:39 - For No Reason
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Heading home from downtown Oakland tonight, eight BART cops carrying helmets and an array of belt-holstered weaponry got on my train at 12th St. I did not feel safer. They were the only ones talking until the next stop, Lake Merritt, where they got off.
Next down the line at Fruitvale, the infamous and familiar Fruitvale, a young woman came through the car weeping and yelling, "That shit is fucked up. They killed him for no reason. That poor little girl is gonna have to grow up without a daddy. It's fucked up, y'all, no reason for that shit..." She got off at my stop, Hayward, Oscar Grant's erstwhile home. I watched the less weaponized BART police on hand treat her with concern until she walked off, screaming epithets back over over her shoulder, stumbling into our own downtown streets through her fury and her grief.
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(1 comment | comment)
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| Monday, 01.05.2009
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01.05.2009 14:21 - I Do Love My Open Letters
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Dear BART,
Even though I am not personally young and black, I was hoping you could reassure me that I could expect not to be fatally shot in the back while incapacitated by your employees. While I recognize that the odds are statistically very low of this happening, Oscar Grant (no relation) had not been treated to due process, so there is nothing verifiable to suggest that he was any more deserving of a bullet on New Years than I was on my way into work this morning. If you can provide me with a convincing reason I should not live in terror of your police force before I begin my trip home this evening, I would deeply appreciate it.
Sincerely,
David Grant
Frequent Rider
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(8 comments | comment)
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01.05.2009 14:12 - BART Police Kill Incapacitated Passenger
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| Thursday, 01.01.2009
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01.01.2009 16:23 - Warm Blood
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There is nothing more antipodean than bad health. Your summer was my long winter, and now, in your darkest days, I emerge from hibernation, and I thrive. Every step on these trembling legs reveals the depths of their atrophy; every step is a triumphant gain in strength. As you rest by the fire I will burn with energy, every one of these shortened days, then past them into and through the summer until I am once again strong enough to wait out the darkness by your side.
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